I just realized that it has been months since I posted. I went back and read my posts and, wow, so much has happened. Life has happened. I was so excited to take a leap of faith and it was so thrilling and unknown and uncomfortable and then, bam, just like that, it stopped.
What happened? I got scared. Well, I didn’t at first. I was working my new world – exploring my new landscape. I even found a friend in the neighborhood who had taken a leap of faith as well to start her own business. I was slowly putting feelers out and turning the ship around when my ego got scared.
How did this happen? Well, we had given up health insurance and went on that beautiful thing called COBRA – who can ever afford this??? My ego started to kick in with messages about how irresponsible I was to leave a job with benefits. We were looking at other policies that were really just catastrophic coverage. That doesn’t sit well when you have kids. The final straw was a comment made by my husband’s coworker about the irresponsibility of the situation and that was it. I caved.
At this time, a call came in offering me an opportunity that was just in line with my old job – the old me. Only it was 65 miles away. I took it. I threw away the clippings of my new life that I was trying to root and did what everyone around me expected of me. I once again became responsible. Only this time the price tag was a 3 hour roundtrip commute everyday. 5 days a week. But we have insurance.
That part of me is all but quiet again. Why did I do this? Why couldn’t I have survived the storm? Why did I cave so quickly? I don’t know. I am still working through this. I am so disappointed in myself. Even after I took the job, opportunities were coming in from the momentum I had gained in my adventure. I turned them all away like unwanted solicitors. I shut the lights off and locked the doors. Now I sit in the dark.
I am trying though. I am still here not sure what to do. Why is it so hard? Why can I not believe in myself to be all in? I stay here hiding out.