Recently, a friend was sharing that when she told another midlife friend about the book I had written on the struggles I was facing in midlife, her friend’s response was “well, if she has time to write a book then it doesn’t sound like she is struggling.”
Why do we do this to each other? Why do we shut down, complain or criticize when someone is doing something that either we:
- Wouldn’t do
- Are too scared ourselves to do
- Can’t do for whatever reason
- Don’t want to do
Midlife is probably the loneliest time in our lives. Far from being all grown up and secure in who and what we are, we look around only to find that some things that we invested heavily in (whether it is emotionally or financially) will not necessarily give us the payout we hoped for and counted on.
When our life crop has finally matured we may find that cutting corners on the cheap seeds has rendered a weak overall crop or we have put all our energy into become expert farmers only to be hit by disastrous weather right before harvest. We may find disappointment with the sum total of all the small choices we have made. We have let some great friends go as we hunkered down to parent and now find it harder and harder to connect with others unless we see them at our kids activities and even then, conversations become about tasks and techniques and we hastily wave bye as we are running off to the next event.
Through our routines we decide what and who we like and want in our circle and we start to weed out the rest, at first just for convenience, later more for comfort. Only, when we let the connection with ourselves go we can often start to confuse growth with movement. We put down our connection and curiosity with our own self, for good reasons, to grow other human beings or partner with another. But often in the meantime, we become critical to those doing it differently and we embrace the sense of control we seem to have over our lives, and those of the small humans in our care, and become selective and exclusive. We become convinced that we have figured it all out and what is outside our comfort zone is threatening. Then midlife hits.
Midlife is the time to face the gift of loneliness it brings and begin to be vulnerable again. Our way has been that OUR way, it is not the only way and it is not the correct way for many. It is has been just our path. To carry on the “my way or no way” method beyond our parental control and into the world can become restrictive and poisonous to our ability to fully grow as an individual. It is time to acknowledge that each stage of the game will bring new challenges and require new skills and tools from us. When, as in my case, our children grow to a point where command and control not only becomes dated, it becomes toxic to a healthy relationship.
Midlife energy is such a disruptive gift. When someone does something that doesn’t fit into your repertoire, be open to it. Work on getting to My Way is Not the Only Way.