Well, I did what I said and resigned from my job.  No safety net, no concrete business plan, no well thought out next steps.  I vacillate between sheer joy and absolute terror.

I grew up to be safe – safe job, safe life, safe dreams.  There was no dreaming big in our working class 70s household.   There was no “trusting the process” or “going where your heart takes you” – it was keep your head down, keep out of trouble and be thankful you have a job.

My belief systems are like demons swirling around me:  “who told you to follow your dreams?”  “who told you are worthy of pursuing happiness?”  I have had to go in to battle.   Frankly, they are better armed and better shots.  This is belief system warfare and they win much of the time.

I have thought for a long time about leaving the steady, routine job that I have been in for many years.  The pull of safety, insurance and a steady paycheck were all just too hard to walk away from – why on earth would I walk away from that?

Well, in midlife, I am really feeling a pull in another direction.  And this one is not a “get a different job” direction.  This one is more of a “finding something that was lost” direction.  It’s one of those things that when I am working, I don’t take time to look for – I am too tired or busy, or both.  I have finally turned to face it, but it ain’t pretty.  Years of neglect on my dreams and desires have left it looking pretty sad.  I used to have dreams that I would find additional rooms on my house that contained dying animals or decaying food.  One Jungian analyst told me it was my potential – and that was 5 years ago.

So, here I am in midlife terrified and joyful, not necessarily in that order.  I have decided to follow my dreams and trust the process.  Crazy, right?