I was an English major.  English.  I used to tell myself that it was great being an English major.  Where else could you get art, history, philosophy and psychology all rolled into one?  Now I wonder why didn’t anyone pull me aside to tell me that it would take me nowhere.  

I made decisions based on what felt good:  I studied English, I volunteered, I traveled, I took low-paying public service jobs.  I felt great.  I got married, started a family, got the minivan and had it all.  That was my 30s.  40s hit and I realized I was low-paid, burnt out, and not needed as much by my family, oh,  and the minivan broke down.  Retirement was now closer than college and I wasn’t as young and cute as the rest of the world seemed to be.  I hit a wall.  I quit my job.  I started looking for myself again.

I haven’t found her.  What I have found is a bunch of skills no longer needed at this stage of motherhood:  spotting an uncovered light socket, always having cheerios and baby wipes on hand, car entertainment, silly faces, voices and jokes, sunscreen and colorful sunglasses.

Now I am reduced to the drive by drop off, an early bedtime (for me), long walks with my dog alone, teen vocab I don’t understand and the pure judgment of my every move by those who once thought I was magical.

Midlife so far has been a disappointment.  The rollercoaster has stopped on top of the hill and I have seen the whole park, now it seems a quick, terrifying decent into twists and turns: grey hair, aches and aging, comfortable shoes and a very untrendy, practical wardrobe.

I am an English major amongst Chief Listening Officers, App developers and Sustainability Experts 

What is one to do?  I read all the articles: 5 tips, 7 ways, 4 things to do but they don’t have my answers.  In a world where “what do you do” is a leading social question, I have failed.  What do I do??  What DO I do?  What do I do next?  I know what I have DONE, but it doesn’t translate to the future.  It doesn’t give me confidence.  It gives me shivers.  How do I keep going?  How do I make it fresh again?  Can I?  How do I reinvent myself?

So far I am disappointed in midlife.  It sucks.