According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the average age for a first time mom in the US is 28. From 2000 to 2014, the proportion of first births to women aged 30 to 34 increased 28 percent, and those among women over age 35 went up 23 percent. I had my first child when I was 31 and my second when I was 35 – this puts us smack dab in the puberty/perimenopause swirling vortex of emotional and physical upheaval.

As Erma Bombeck so aptly put it: “I’m trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how to drive a car will occur in the same week.”

My mom was in her early 20s when she had me – I was across the globe in the Peace Corps then off on my own when she was in midlife. I am still chauffer and cook to one and professional organizer and full time accountant to the other,

all while falling apart emotionally and physically (and most days, mentally.) I have been at home sobbing because I saw a dog that looked lost on the side of the road earlier while my two girls screamed at each other in the other room over a bottle of shampoo that one bought and the other used.

Sound like your house?

Dear God, please tell me I am not alone in this one.

While I have accepted the fact that there are no magic beans that can make it better, there are a few things that can help:

1. Pick your battles.  This one involves you turning inward to know when you have the emotional strength to be present and when it is better for you to give some space to the situation and either revisit it or just let it go.  Take a walk, journal, breathe.  It is hard to be our best when we are exhausted, hangry or in our own swamp of emotions.  Especially with older teens, transitioning to a spectator role is so hard.  Our instinct are to parent 24/7 but this time gives us a unique opportunity to nurture ourselves through these transitions and by doing so, love our way through this time.  Remember, both of you are probably experiencing similar feelings of loneliness and being misunderstood. Being there for yourself and tuned in to your experience can offer you compassion and empathy for theirs. 
2. Normalize transitions in life.  We often feel vulnerable and full of shame through these tender moments of transition.  Talking about transitions in life as part of the full life experience can help all of you put words and emotions to the experience.  While my girls have no interest in hearing about my transition, the fact that I talk about it and try to make parallels to theirs at least gives the opportunity for them to have a space to ask questions and feel like they can share if they ever feel compelled.
3. Be willing to try something new. Ok, so your child no longer wants to be seen with you in public.  My younger child critiques all my fashion choices – she’s harsher than Joan Rivers on a red carpet.  She tells me when my grey roots are showing.  She reminds me that I look old and tired (oh, the joy of unconditional love).  She doesn’t want to talk in the car, she wants to be dropped off a mile away and walk to the event.  It is hard not to take it all so personally.  I was so magical to her a few years ago! Just as I feel alone and ugly, I find myself alone and ugly.  Time to try some new things.  In being compassionate with myself, I can be more compassionate with her.  I learned that right after school she is willing to talk.  If I show up with chick-fil-a I can get a whole rundown of her day.  If I let her fly, she seems to return.  I have started enjoying the quiet morning in the car, seeing her face when she sees that white and red bag on the front seat and having her pick out a few outfits for me or teach me a few makeup tricks.  It is a new way of doing things, but I am willing to redefine our relationship.  I am redefining my own. 
4. Know that this too shall pass.  It will. In the blink of an eye and there will be more transitions and more new things to try and more love, more sadness, more gains and more losses.  And you will laugh and cry and sing.  And life will go on until it doesn’t.  And you will live and love and be ok.