Why is it that as soon as we hear the word “midlife” is it inevitably followed by the word crisis? Midlife is a transition, yes, but it does not have to be one where we lose ourselves completely. In fact, the whole point of the transitions that happen at midlife is so that we actually “find” ourselves – we start developing our inner selves. We stop living for everyone else and start living for ourselves. Scary? Sure. It will require you to challenge your previously held beliefs and attitudes at a time when change is about the last thing people want to do, but it is necessary for us to get to psychological wholeness.
By midlife, many of us have become comfortable with our roles: wife, partner, mother, employee, manager, sister/sister-in-law/daughter-in-law (same for men). We maybe have finished our schooling, gotten that promotion, have gotten into a routine and are comfortable with what we have made of ourselves. Then, like clockwork, it’s time to expand and grow.
Maybe your first child becomes a teen and doesn’t need you to “mother” them as much. This happened to me recently. For the first time, my child looked at me eye to eye – like she saw me through the eyes of her own budding adulthood, and wasn’t impressed. This type of rejection is awful. I just got good at the mothering thing and it was like overnight I was downsized – no explanation – no severance pay – just a thanks but we’ll call you if we need you.
Or maybe it’s an unexpected life moment: lay-off, unexpected passing of a family member, divorce. All of these catapult us into the next phase of reevaluation of life. Things previously held sacred may start to lose their meaning, there may be an urgency that sets in and a desperation if we refuse to stay present.
In fact, Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist talks life stages using the metaphor of a rising and setting sun. According to Nancy B. Millner, PHD in her workbook Applied Jungian Psychology: Navigating the Seasons of Later Life:
According to this model, in the morning of life the sun rises from the unconscious, at mid day it shines brightest spreading its influence far and wide and then in the afternoon it begins its slow descent until at the end of life it enters again the unconscious from which it emerged.
She goes on to say:
All life stages models – are limited. The can not fit each person. Yet, the process of life has a pattern and to know something of this pattern can be helpful. Awareness of a life stages model can provide some markers for an otherwise unmarked way.
Entering midlife does not need to be terrifying, it can be a pathway to a new dimension within ourselves. We need to stop using the word crisis and start using the word transition or passage. We need to celebrate the coming of something new and focus on that rather than the mourning of what we perceive is being lost.