Tag Archives: midlife

Midlife Perfection

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Recently I have noticed something peculiar about my 40 something peers – many seem to have braces and are getting teeth whitening in the quest for a perfect smile.  When did this happen?  I guess, in retrospect, I did see it coming.  I was a gen-xer and child of the 70s.  I was also working class, which meant one word: snaggletooth. Braces were a luxury, one not afforded to us.  I had an overbite and probably a crossbite, but you made do.  The only perfect teeth I saw as a kid was my grandmother’s, in a cup, by her bedside.  Perfect teeth just weren’t the norm.  When I get fed up with the chasing of perfection today, I sit down and watch 70s television.  There we were as God made us:  yellow toothed, curvy with a little tummy and very few above a B cup.   We couldn’t hide, you had good genetics or you found another source of strength.  God just didn’t give with both hands back then.

Now, however, it seems we can have it all.  We can be wrinkle free, with a beautiful smile, a Double D cup and a perfectly flat stomach – all at the age my grandmother was passing down her famous Sunday roast recipe to her grandchildren.

I struggle with this expectation, especially as I reach my 50s.   At a recent dentist appointment I was told I needed a slew of work – in the dentist’s words I should “start saving my denaros.”  I kind of tuned out as he rambled on about receding gums, cracked fillings, veneers, crowns and, yep, braces.   I still don’t understand why I need any of this, my teeth work fine, thank you. Why is everyone so bothered that I am ok with my mouth the way it is?   I think his boat payment must be due soon.

Even at the nail salon the other day while just getting a simple manicure – no color, just buffed, I was asked if I had ever thought of getting lash extensions and permanent makeup.  Um, I just wanted my cuticles cut, but thanks.

At my dermatologist, while getting a mole checked out, I was offered Botox – just to keep me “looking as young as I feel”.

And as I am getting AARP materials in the mail, I am simultaneously getting plastic surgery postcards.

When did it become expected that as soon as I start to age, I will frantically try to be one step ahead of it all?  That I will have nips and tucks and shots and extensions.  All for what?  I have seen the 20 somethings out there – they are cute and they mean business.

Even talking with people my age has become a challenge.  I was talking to a woman I had not met before and when she left, I turned to my friend and said I didn’t think she liked me very much.  My friend replied “oh no, that was just the botox, she can’t move anything above her nose.”  Oh.

As I ponder middle age and how I want to enter into the next phase, I am not sure this is the route for me.  I am all for bettering yourself and if it makes you feel good then go for it.  But please don’t judge me when I choose to age and own every one of my wrinkles and grey hairs.  I have seen my saggy skin on my legs in downward dog – I don’t need double D breasts next to that.

What is perfection anyway?  Is it so we feel good about ourselves physically, that we are never rejected, we are always admired?  I think I will forgo perfection for authenticity.  That will be my quest in the next stage of the game.  Oooh, I think there is a rerun of Charlies Angels on again.

 

Midlife Mud

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Midlife is that time when your ego is strong enough to handle the dark side.  Like, when Luke Skywalker goes into that cave and cuts off Vader’s head only to realize it was his face in the mask.  That is it, midlife.  We are strong, we have been training and we start to feel another kind of Jedi power, we also know we must follow it even though we don’t know why.

We are ready to handle the darkness- or at least step into it – another threshold.  Not because we are less scared or more brave, but because we know we cannot turn back and there is no other way to go.  There is a call deep within us – another hero waiting to emerge and we must listen to it or we will start a cycle of learning that will continue to bring the same things back to us again and again, leaving us wondering why the same things keep happening to us.

It is such a confusing time though, life goes forward, kids grow up, parents age, or worse, die and we are left to search – search for meaning in a world that seems meaningless and yet absolutely brilliantly perfect at the same time.  Maybe for the first time we can see it as it is.  It does not need us to change it.  We need to change ourselves.  It is our thinking, the ego,  that has gotten us thus far.  We must challenge the demands it has placed on us and let go – reach for more.  When we let go though, we often feel the rush of a current that sweeps us downstream – turmoil.  But really, we are just in the middle of things.  We are no longer being strapped into the ride and have the excitement of the tick-tick up the track, we have dropped and are twisting and twirling and screaming.  If we let go and trust that our journey is deeper than the external world we have worked so hard in, we will find ourselves reaping the harvest of this.  Not in the way that our culture tells us: a nice condo in the new grey haired Margaritaville community with a too-big car and trips with the grandkids – although nice, that is not enough to sustain us in the evening of life.  If we have done our work, perhaps we will find authenticity, integrity and wholeness.

We become who we were meant to be all along.

But what do I know?  I am still in the mud.

Midlife Liminality: 3 Questions to Ask Yourself

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Liminality

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
In anthropology, Liminality (from the Latin word līmen, meaning “a threshold”[1]) is the quality of ambiguity or disorientation that occurs in the middle stage of rites, when participants no longer hold their preritual status but have not yet begun the transition to the status they will hold when the rite is complete. During a rite’s liminal stage, participants “stand at the threshold”[2] between their previous way of structuring their identity, time, or community, and a new way, which the rite establishes….

During liminal periods of all kinds, social hierarchies may be reversed or temporarily dissolved, continuity of tradition may become uncertain, and future outcomes once taken for granted may be thrown into doubt.[5] The dissolution of order during liminality creates a fluid, malleable situation that enables new institutions and customs to become established.[6] The term has also passed into popular usage, where it is applied much more broadly, undermining its significance to some extent.[7]

In Carl Jung’s stages of life, midlife is seen as the Summer/Noon of our lives, where “what has been is no longer and what is to be has not yet come into focus”  (Nancy Millner, PhD)

Jungian analyst and author Murray Stein names three stages of mid-life transition in his book, In Mid-Life: A Jungian Perspective.  Stein suggests that as people move from the accommodation of early life, they go through the rites of SEPARATION, LIMINALITY and REINTEGRATION on their way towards fuller individualization.

What happens to us when the sun shifts and shadows are different, and all we know is bathed in a new light?  When our stories need to be retold, when we make room for others at the table who are younger and fresher.  How do we handle that threshold?

For many of us, we question our relationships.  Maybe the spouse with whom we have lost the feelings we once had,  the job or career that no longer engages our souls and gives us a sense of purpose,  maybe our mortality as we almost audibly hear the click of a generation moving up in the cue of life.

This is such a vulnerable time as we call into question our choices, our values, our place in the world.  How do we find time in this culture or do, go, be to just relax, sit and ponder?  You can start by asking yourself these three questions:

3 Questions to Ask Yourself During Liminality:

  1. What does my soul require?   – The next stage in life will come with the understanding that it is a personal connection with self that will aid us in becoming our true self.  We let go of the need to please others.
  2. What do I need to know now?  – This is where we get in tune with that quiet, authentic voice that has been there all along, but has perhaps taken the back seat to responsibilities, expectations of others and life in general.  Take some time for yourself, sit quiet and ask yourself that question.  See what comes up.
  3. What should I explore?  – Often in our younger days we may have explored socially accepted  or expected pursuits and maybe it is some of those that you can go back to and explore through the lens of your new life viewpoint – finding a renewed sense of connection and purpose in them, but in our later phases when our personality is secure enough to explore the underdeveloped side of our personality, we may also find ourselves drawn to areas that we would have never given ourselves permission to explore in earlier life  but where there is passion and growth available for us (for example, a very “masculine” man taking up knitting later in life or a very “doting on husband” woman taking up intercontinental solo trips).  Chances are it is a very real part of yourself looking to express itself.  Give it some light.  

Asking yourselves these questions can start you looking at life in a new way.  I know I am going through this right now.  I have struggled with who I am and how I fit in.  I have left a job and am still on the threshold of something, not sure what yet though.   Let me know how it goes for you.

Midlife: Hair Today Gone Tomorrow

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So, I was at the hair stylist today (stylist is important, that will come up again) and I bemoaning the grey that was popping up.  It seems that I can’t stay ahead of it and when I color it at home, I look just so… washed out.

What does happen to our hair in midlife?  The National Library of Medicine tells us a few things that happen:

Hair color change. This is one of the clearest signs of aging. Hair color is due to a pigment called melanin, which hair follicles produce. Follicles are structures in the skin that make and grow hair. With aging, the follicles make less melanin, and this causes gray hair. Graying often begins in the 30s.

Scalp hair often starts graying at the temples and extends to the top of the scalp. Hair color becomes lighter, eventually turning white.

Body and facial hair also turn gray, but most often, this happens later than scalp hair. Hair in the armpit, chest, and pubic area may gray less or not at all.

Graying is largely determined by your genes. Gray hair tends to occur earlier in white people and later in Asians. Nutritional supplements, vitamins, and other products will not stop or decrease the rate of graying.

Hair thickness change. Hair is made of many protein strands. A single hair has a normal life between 2 and 7 years. That hair then falls out and is replaced with a new hair. How much hair you have on your body and head is also determined by your genes.

Nearly everyone has some hair loss with aging. The rate of hair growth also slows.

Hair strands become smaller and have less pigment. So the thick, coarse hair of a young adult eventually becomes thin, fine, light-colored hair. Many hair follicles stop producing new hairs.

Women can develop a similar type of baldness as they age. This is called female-pattern baldness. Hair becomes less dense and the scalp may become visible.

As you age, your body and face also lose hair. Women’s remaining facial hair may get coarser, most often on the chin and around the lips.

So, how fun is that, right?  I noticed that a lot of my friends with greying hair are going blonde.  I asked my stylist about this.  His take was that it’s tempting to tell someone to go lighter – the grey will blend in better, but if you go too light it is too harsh on the skin and will give you the effect of actually being older.

His advice?  Get DEPTH in your hair.  That is the reason I tend to look like a fisher price little person with my plastic hair on – my box color is only giving me an all over color, not any depth.

As one good Southern woman said:  “Any woman over 30 years needs short hair”.  This is not necessarily true.  I see plenty of women with short hair and it is just a blob – nondescript.   One 50+ woman bragged that with her new short haircut, she could just wash and go.  Newsflash:  She looked it.   Many of us in midlife are starting to really settle into our preferences – we have our favorite restaurant (and favorite dish AT the favorite restaurant, which we enjoy in our favorite seat with our favorite server – you get the idea), our brand and scent of deodorant, our “signature scent” and the living room furniture that our kids will be trying to sell off at an estate sale one day while hip people walk around and whisper how dated everything is.  In other words, we get into ruts.  We are creatures of habits and by midlife, our cement seems to start to harden.

When we keep the long hairstyle that was great when we were chasing kids, we run the risk of it working against us. As we get older, our hair thins out and can lose its luster and start to look flat. It can also drag your face down and actually make you look older.

The trick for long hair in midlife?  Layers. SO, this is the time to find a STYLIST.  Haircuts are one thing, hair STYLING is another.  If you are ready to trade in your longer locks for a new look – find a really GOOD stylist who can cut SHORTER HAIR.  And while it’s tempting to bring in a photo of Cate Blanchett and say – make me this!  Remember, A LOT goes in to a style that is right for you.  Face shape, head shape, how your hair grows, texture and lifestyle need to always be considered.  One more thing with short hair:  be prepared to STYLE it.  I know VERY FEW women with adorable short hair that can wake up and go.  The thing with short hair is that you can’t just throw it up in a ponytail.  If you are having a bad hair day – everyone knows it.  You must commit to at least a little bit of product and a little bit of coiffing.

This is one of my favorites:

When I was in my late 30s, and making that transition,  I went to a very upscale salon in Beverly Hills for a once in a lifetime cut and color (the price was equivalent to what I paid for my iPhone) but WOW – that really was the best cut I have ever had.  Why?  For one thing, the stylist spent about 30 minutes talking to me about WHO I WAS.  What was my life like?  where did I go?  what did I want out of my haircut (right??  I have had therapists who never asked this many questions).  At one point, he just stared at me and said:  “you know I am cutting your hair short – you have too small of a face for the hair you have now”.  After that, the stylist took an hour to cut my hair – yes, an hour and that was not because we were kicking back with mimosas (well, we were, but we were in Beverly Hills!).    It was because he would cut, step back, look, cut some more, go to a different angle, cut.  It was really how I would imagine Michelangelo sculpted.  The color was also an artist painting – one strand after another would be painted with the precision of a porcelain painter.  I looked really good.  He knew I was from Georgia, so at the end he said to me:  Go back and find a GOOD stylist who can follow the lines I left.  If they follow them, you will keep this haircut.

One bad “stylist” back in Georgia messed me up and it took years to recover and find a great stylist, which I eventually did.  I have been in good hands ever since.

So there’s the scoop on hair in midlife.  And as one of salon patrons said when we were talking about aging:  “If you ever feel you look old – just look at the arrest records – you’ll realize how good you still look.’

Nuff said.  It’s all ok.

 

 

Midlife Momentum: 5 Questions to ask yourself about your Finances

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Midlife is that time where we start looking forward to another phase of life: retirement.  For some it may be sooner, others later.  Either way, there are a few things in mid-life we should ask ourselves about our finances, Midway Through Life asked our favorite CPA/Financial advisor to give us some advice – here are 5 questions to ask yourself:

  1.  At what age do I want to retire?  First, come up with your WANT TO number and then you will need to see if you CAN.

TO DO:  a. Find out what your Social Security earnings will be when you retire.  You can go to the SSA website for the quick calculator: https://www.ssa.gov/oact/quickcalc/  or you can request a statement from the SSA – this will give you an idea of how much you can draw at early retirement (62) or full retirement (currently 66). https://secure.ssa.gov/RIL/SiView.do

b. If you haven’t started to save for retirement – DO IT NOW.  Even $25/month in an IRA is something.   Start putting something away today for tomorrow.  The benefit of a traditional  IRA is the tax savings.  If a traditional IRA contribution doesn’t save you any taxes this year, make a ROTH IRA contribution or contribute to a separate account you will set aside for retirement only.

c.  On top of saving in an IRA or just a regular savings account, start making sure that you have SOMETHING put aside for emergencies.  Again, even $500-$1000 can help with a broken appliance, unexpected car maintenance or high-deductible medical issue.

D.  Think twice about co-signing for a child’s auto or college loans!  Co-signing a loan may be devastating to your financial health, especially as you are planning for the next phase of life.  Consumer advocate Clark Howard says:

According to a 2012 report by the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau and Department of Education, about 90% of all private student loans are co-signed by a parent. Sadly, a 2014 Citizens Financial Group survey revealed that 94% of parents with a child in college said they felt more burdened due to their children’s college loans. In addition, around 50% of parents did not have a plan to repay their child’s student loan debt.

When you co-sign a loan, you’re doing more than just giving a character reference for the person. You’re agreeing to pay the debt if they welch on payments — either intentionally or because they lose a job and can’t find another.

So co-signing a loan creates a long-term financial obligation. It is a hazard that should be avoided if at all possible.

http://clark.com/personal-finance-credit/co-signing-a-loan/

2.  At what age is your home going to be paid off?  For a lot of people this will also determine when you CAN retire.  If at all possible, you want to have your house paid off at retirement.  This will free up valuable resources that can be put towards living expenses. Paying off your mortgage reduces your monthly cost needs and gives you more choices.

3.  What am I going to do for Health Insurance until I reach Medicare age?  If you plan on retiring at 62, but are not medicare eligible at 65, what will you do for those 3 years?  Will you live without health insurance or buy an individual policy?  Going without is not the best option at this time in life, so plan ahead.   Sites like https://www.healthcare.gov/retirees/  can help you find a policy to fill that gap. Just know this will take resources (another reason to start saving TODAY)

4.  If you are working:  How should I deal with all the choices associated with my 401K or retirement plan?  You can certainly use the resources that are supplied with your 401K to make the best financial decisions with you 401K for your personal situation.  But, if you don’t like making retirement choices or playing day trader with your money, then choose a retirement target date fund.  Most accounts have a target date fund that will be more aggressive early and move to more conservative as you get closer to your retirement date.

5.  What is your LEGACY?  What do you want to happen with your money when you are gone?  Do you have kids, grandkids or a cause that you want to see benefit from your money?  Do you have a child with special needs who may need care after you are gone?  Make sure you have a plan IN WRITING for what you’d like to have happen to your money.

Planning for your retirement and future may seem daunting in midlife, when kids may still be in braces or looking at colleges, but a little planning goes a long way.  Gaining Momentum in Midlife is one of the best things you can do for yourself and those you love.

Being Grateful or being Appreciative?

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I have had several “gratitude” journals over the years.   I never got through even 15 days – on any of them.  There was always something chore like about it, like I was a child writing thank you notes to great aunts they barely knew.  I thought this was what I was “supposed” to be doing to fill my heart with joy and open myself to more happiness.  But the act of writing down what I was “grateful” for just didn’t stick.  It just seemed so… inauthentic to me.  I thought I was deficient.  Why couldn’t I feel the beautiful glow that Oprah does when she is “grateful”?  I guess mine was left to the Thanksgiving table. So I decided to do a little research and soul searching.

The Miriam Webster’s definition of Gratitude is”

1a :appreciative of benefits received

b :expressing gratitude 

  • grateful thanks

When I saw this, the word that struck me was the word appreciation.

The definition of Appreciation is:

1a :a feeling or expression of admiration, approval, or gratitude

  • I want to express my appreciation for all you’ve done.
  • a small token of our appreciation
There was that word again, GRATITUDE. So how were they different?
One way appears that Gratitude is the willingness to show a person/the universe/your great aunts you are thankful for what you received.
Appreciation was the feeling, understanding, the WHY of it all.  The realization that this is good.
This was my problem!!  I was bypassing appreciation altogether.  I wasn’t feeling my appreciation way to my gratitude. So when I was forcing “gratitude”  it was as if I was bringing store bought cookies to the bake sale and THIS IS WHY IT FELT EMPTY.
APPRECIATION is the higher emotion I needed to tap into because: APPRECIATION IS FOR MY INTERNAL WORLD.  GRATITUDE IS FOR MY EXTERNAL WORLD.
I have since replaced my gratitude journal with an appreciation one.  It feels so much better.  I am able to look at all the things I appreciation and FROM THAT look at what I am grateful for – it makes so much more sense.

I also found this exercise called 10/10 Exercise (which being in Midlife and the mom of two teen girls, I have modified to 7/7!!!).At 7 am & 7 pm each day, I set your phone alarm to vibrate. This is my reminder to reflect on the last 12 hours.  I try to find as many things I have appreciated in the 12 hours and from that 1-2 things I am TRULY grateful for and then act on them to the EXTERNAL world (if it is a person, I try to send a thank you note, text, quick e-mail just expressing my gratitude). Before I go to bed, I try to review my day and feel true appreciation and thanks.

This simple act of ADDING APPRECIATION to my day has truly allowed me to find more happiness and peace in my day to day life.

Is it easy?  Not always.  Two teenagers in my realm are the best teachers one could as for, but Midway Through Life, I am still growing and learning.

What is Midlife?

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Why is it that as soon as we hear the word “midlife” is it inevitably followed by the word crisis?  Midlife is a transition, yes, but it does not have to be one where we lose ourselves completely.  In fact, the whole point of the transitions that happen at midlife is so that we actually “find” ourselves – we start developing our inner selves.  We stop living for everyone else and start living for ourselves.  Scary?  Sure.  It will require you to challenge your previously held beliefs and attitudes at a time when change is about the last thing people want to do, but it is necessary for us to get to psychological wholeness.

By midlife, many of us have become comfortable with our roles: wife, partner, mother, employee, manager, sister/sister-in-law/daughter-in-law (same for men).  We maybe have finished our schooling, gotten that promotion, have gotten into a routine and are comfortable with what we have made of ourselves.  Then, like clockwork, it’s time to expand and grow.

Maybe your first child becomes a teen and doesn’t need you to “mother” them as much.  This happened to me recently.  For the first time, my child looked at me eye to eye – like she saw me through the eyes of her own budding adulthood, and wasn’t impressed.  This type of rejection is awful.  I just got good at the mothering thing and it was like overnight I was downsized – no explanation – no severance pay – just a thanks but we’ll call you if we need you.

Or maybe it’s an unexpected life moment:  lay-off, unexpected passing of a family member, divorce.  All of these catapult us into the next phase of reevaluation of life.  Things previously held sacred may start to lose their meaning, there may be an urgency that sets in and a desperation if we refuse to stay present.

In fact, Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist talks life stages using the metaphor of a rising and setting sun.  According to Nancy B. Millner, PHD in her workbook  Applied Jungian Psychology: Navigating the Seasons of Later Life:

According to this model, in the morning of life the sun rises from the unconscious, at mid day it shines brightest spreading its influence far and wide and then in the afternoon it begins its slow descent until at the end of life it enters again the unconscious from which it emerged.

She goes on to say:

All life stages models – are limited.  The can not fit each person.  Yet, the process of life has a pattern and to know something of this pattern can be helpful.  Awareness of a life stages model can provide some markers for an otherwise unmarked way.

Entering midlife does not need to be terrifying, it can be a pathway to a new dimension within ourselves.  We need to stop using the word crisis and start using the word transition or passage.  We need to celebrate the coming of something new and focus on that rather than the mourning of what  we perceive is being lost.